Clean Slate

When most of us think of a clean slate, we think of a new beginning, a future of opportunity, with no past to haunt us, no skeletons lurking in any closets. It’s usually a positive thing, to have a clean slate, or a blank canvas. Endless possibilities!!

Well, yesterday was NOT a good day. I’ve been struggling with my job, as many changes have come about this year, many of them uninvited and of the “it’s-not-broke-why-are-we-fixing-it” kind. I got this assignment that I would normally be excited about except my manager has “hated” everything that’s been turned in by everyone else on the team. Not to mention, she’s been asking for the status, and I don’t like to be given a deadline and then told when to work on it. I’ve got a deadline. It’ll get done. Let me do it. So, I’ve been hesitant to start. Rebelling, I guess.

I finally got into my project yesterday. And although, it was good, I was not into it. I was not motivated. So five miserable hours into the project, I decide it’s time to shut it down. So I did. Before I did, though, I sent what I THOUGHT was my project to my colleague to review (she’s already had the luxury of turning hers in, having it “hated” and had to re-do hers). She emailed me back, “Did you only do one slide?” I laughed. “Funny. There’s 14 slides there.” “Um..no, there’s not.” She said. Sure enough, five hours of research and work—G-O-N-E. Apparently I clicked “no” when I was closing it.

That was enough to send me over the edge. Poor Kenny. I was bawling. I’m just so tired. His response: [hug, hug, pat, pat squeeze, kiss on the forehead] “I know. That was a long drive yesterday.” Really? Such a sweet man. So NOT what I wanted to hear. “That’s not what I mean,” I sobbed. “I feel so worthless and alone!” [His response: hug, hug, pat, pat, squeeze] “You have me.” Bless his heart. He tried.

As I was laying there sniffling in self-pity and listening to him snore, I thought, “Nothing. I’ve got nothing. An empty screen. A blank canvas. A…clean…slate. Yep. I got a clean slate.

Clean slates, I guess aren’t always what we expected or asked for. But they still represent possibility, opportunity to grow and show our talents. Perhaps in a way we never have. It was a struggle, but I got happy about my empty screen. I’ve got a lot of catching up to do. I got more assignments today from my boss, as she assumes I’m further along than I am. It’s all good, though. More blank canvases.

I’m not any happier in my job than I was yesterday, last week or last month. But I’ve got some vacant space to exercise my talents and grow my experience so I can showcase them to my next prospective employer. Or client. I’ve decided I can do this for someone else, or I can do it for me. In truth, my standards are higher anyway.

Yeah, someday I’m gonna look back and be grateful for this time. When I got paid for five hours of misery and what turned out to be a new opportunity to take my skills to the next level. Thank you, laptop. Thank you, Power Point. Thank you giver of clean slates and second chances.